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`Muhammad Amer Solehin B. Omar. `SecondAugustNineteenEightyNine. `Travelling is my Passion. `Nike is my Obsession.
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Tuesday, May 08, 2007
 you people might be wondering why would i post this. actually it's really nothing confidential. it's just an explanation that i owe to you guys who ask me why, what and how. firstly, i have no intention to blame anyone therefore i ain't gonna write down any names. secondly, this is not an excuse of why i can't be in a relationship. i use to have this confidence when meeting girls and making friend with them. i also use to go online and make friend with new girls in the chat room. but now, i totally have lost that confidence in me. infact, i felt insecure and paranoid when meeting someone new. the last time i had a relationship was 3 years back then. i ended it and i broke my ex heart terribly. i knew we love each other but i was too afraid. too afraid that it might happened to me again. and till today, i felt miserable when i think of it. i had my first love in sec 1 which is 6 years ago. she was my classmate and turn to be my girlfriend then. i had love her and give all she wants from me. but my friends told me otherwise about her. i didn't listen and carry on to love her. we're not a perfect couple so we did had broke ups and get back together after that. even the people i called friend stab my back and secretly love her. it was sad and at that point of time, i really don't know who turn to. but i didn't blame myself. i didn't blame anyone. i was with her for nearly 2 years and a half but it ended in tragedy for me. she love someone else instead and i was left aside. i felt like a loser that day and i can't help it but to shed my tears down hard. i know it's not worth it, but i was heartbroken. and till that day i felt that i had anti girls and too afraid to fall in love again. seriously, i don't blame you. i believe things happen for a reason. maybe we're not fated to be together. it is painful, it was despairing. but i couldn't help to be in that state after a long time. life has to move on like they said. i felt that i'm living in a shell. i even get paranoid of what others think of me sometime. and then, love was a cliche to me. all the relationship i tried to build, fell apart. then i knew, i totally lose my faith and confidence. i met someone when i was in sec 3. we were in the same stream but different class. we were friends at first and lovers secondly. she even sacrifice to be with me. i was just plain stupid. my heart second guess and i felt so afraid. i couldn't bear to let her go. but i was just afraid to love her. i know she wouldn't do anything to me. but i just have to let her go. i felt miserable, she was left heart broken. i tried to calm things down between us. i ask her along to come with me to australia last year with my family. i found a best friend in her but she fell for me again. she was really a good companion during the trip. but things were really awkward after that. and we stayed as normal friend till today. i stayed single for nearly 4 years till today. i found serenity out of this single life. until i had a crush on her which turn out that i love her. her smile, her personality, is just captivating. i'd waited for her but things didnt work out just as i thought. she had someone else in her heart although she knew i'm waiting for her. now, it is my fault i thought. i didn't tried enough to get her. her heart belong to someone else. i tried to let her go but i don't want too and i just couldn't. till today, i'm still waiting. i thought that my love life is a total crap. i even felt sorry for myself. everytime when i try to work things out, it just wont happen. i just feel artificial when i try to be confident. then i thought i'm still secluding myself. i'm trying hard to get my confidence back. this journey has thought me meaningful stuff. somehow i thought, this curse is a gift to me. perhaps, my time to love someone is yet to come. not today, not tomorrow but one day i believe. i've been patience all this while and i think i can be patience alot more. i tried explain all this while, but i cant put my words together. i tried to make you people understand, but i guess i can only understand myself. solehin. |
